40 Years Without You

Heidi Alice Suydam
2 min readJul 1, 2020

My Sister, My Hero, My Friend

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

I am heading into my 40th year without you. My sister, my hero, my cheerleader, my friend.

What would life be like if you were still here? What would be the same? What would be different? In life, love, and relationships? In family? In me?

I often think about you when I need someone to call.

40 years later.

Time heals, that is true, but time doesn’t erase the painful reality that something is still missing in my life. The friend that is a sister. Time cannot heal the fact that you chose to leave.

Time cannot erase the words you penned saying “we” would be better off without you. You lumped me into a “we” that didn’t involve me. A “we’ that was our parents, your mom, yourself. For a fatal moment you forgot about the “we” that included me, the “we” that included us, you and me, that “we” that was and is no more.

40 years later.

Maybe that is why I have worked so hard to nurture a relationship between my three girls. They are each other’s people, the love they share, sweet secrets and laughter that no one else understands. They are each other’s heroes, friends forever in a world where everything is fluid and changes so quickly. I want for them what I lost. The constant that is a sister.

40 years later.

I love you. I miss you. My sister, my friend.

May my girls never reach an end where they feel so desperate they forget who they are to each other. May they never feel so alone and worthless they lose sight of what they mean, to each other. May they never feel so down they forget to look around, for each other.

As they move on in life, love, career, and a future crafted by their desires and dreams. May they always return to each other. For strength, laughter, talks, and understanding that only exists in the constant that is a sister.

My greatest desire as a mother is to give my girls the gift of family, the gift of relationship that will stand the test of time. The gift of love that is true and constant in every season of life.

The link below is for a poem I wrote for them a couple of years ago — with the same message revealed in this post about my own sister. My Hope for You, My Girls, Is This is a piece of my heart poured out in poetry they can keep forever.

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Heidi Alice Suydam

Founder of #thesosblog | Content Writer | Graduate Student